MISUNDERSTOOD

I'M USUALLY NOT IN THE MOOD TO WRITE MY LIFE STORY, I FIGURED IT MIGHT BE QUIT BORING. I REALIZE THAT I HAVE BEEN LONGING FOR SOMETHING THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE, SOMETHING THATS ALWAYS BEEN. THE MISPLACEMENT OF MY OWN FEELINGS HAS BEEN THE STORY OF MY LIFE. IN THIS STORY NOT MUCH PAIN AND STRIFE, UNLESS YOU CONSIDER THE SILENCE OF A SOUL TO BE PAINFUL MAYBE THIS STORY WILL GIVE YOU PLEASURE. I AM SLOWLY STOPPING WRITING, JUST THINKING OF PUTTING MY LIFE ON PAPER IS TERRIFYING........

20 MIN LATER.....

BORN IN THE VA RAISED IN THE SAME, BAD KID THAT HAD A PRAYING MOTHER WITH A HARD WORK ETHIC. NEVER SAW THE NEED TO LOOK AT LIFE IN A BIGGER SENSE ONLY SAW THE NEXT VICTIM TO TERRORIZE. TOMBOY ON THE LOSE AND MONSTER TAKING OVER, ALWAYS IN TIME OUT , I GUESS THEY THOUGHT MY LIFE NEEDED TO SLOW DOWN, LITTLE DID THEY KNOW IT WAS JUST 10 MIN OF TIME FOR ME TO  FUEL BACK UP AND START AGAIN.  TEACHERS DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT AND SAID SHE HOPELESS MY MOTHER NEVER BELIEVED IT. FEW YEARS LATER THEY THOUGHT DRUGGING ME UP WOULD WORK AND  CALM THE BEAST INSIDE ME, THE WHITE PILLS SUPPRESSED HIM THE BLUE ZONED MY BODY INTO DEFAULT MODE. THIS CREATED ANGER ON MY SOUL THAT SOMEONE FELT THAT ME BEING ME WAS AN ISSUE TO SOCIETY AND NEEDS TO BE CONTROLLED BY SOMETHING THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPAY MADE......BULLSHIT

YEARS PASSED OF ANGER BECOMING OUT OF CONTROL, NO ONE WAS SAFE, WALLS GOT FUCKED AND MOMS GOT THE WORST OF IT. NO WORD IN THE DICTIONARY WAS OFF LIMITS IN EXPLAINING THE OUTRAGEOUSNESS OF WHAT CAME OUT OF ME....SLOWLY BECAME THE ANGRY KID, THE GIRL WHO DRESSED IN AN ATTITUDE COLOR OF BLACK.  THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD TURNED MY LIFE TO A DEEPER HELL. IN A ROOM BY MYSELF HE CAME IN UNKNOWN AND HAD HIS WAY WITH ME. CONFUSED, ANGRY, SICKENED IT WAS TAKING FROM ME WITHOUT PERMISSION. THE BLOOD BOILED AND EVENTUALLY I WOULD CRASH AND BURN. MY PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP NEVER WORKED AND WAS ALWAYS FUCKED...I THOUGHT PATERNAL PARENTS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CLOSE...ITS TRUE, IN ANGER I WAS TOLD THAT I WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE THAT SHE TOOK ON WHEN I ENTERED THE WORLD...ADOPTED....DAMN

DISAPPOINTMENT CAME EASY I HANDLED I LIKE A PRO UNTIL THE PPL THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SOLID BECAME SHAKY......LOST IN TRANSLATION I SLID THROUGH THE CRACKS, SEATING IN PITY, DISBELIEF, AND AWESTRUCK FROM THE WAY MY LIFE HAD NO BOUNDARIES OR BORDERS. SLOWLY I BECAUSE A BODY WITH FLESH AND A PULSE BUT NO HEART. NO ONE EVER NOTICED THE FRONT I PUT UP, IT WAS CONVINCING. I WOULD  LET PPL IN ONLY TO FIND THAT THEY WOULD SOON MAKE AN EXIT. ALONE AND IGNORED MOMS NEVER HAD TIME FOR FEELINGS,  EDUCATION AND WORK WERE HER THERAPY'S AND TALKING WAS HER WEAK POINT, SO NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL MY THOUGHTS OF THE EVENTS THAT OCCURRED IN THE EARLY YEARS I TRIED TO TALK TO THE MAN WITH A DEGREE AND CERTIFIABLY ABLE TO FUCK WITH MESSED UP PPL. THAT NIGGA AIN'T DO SHIT FOR THE PROBLEM JUST HELPED THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY BY SELLING SOME MORE OF THERE SHIT...YEAH RIGHT NEVER PLACED THE ORDER.

18+

LOOKING FOR LOVE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS WHAT WAS HOT IN THE STREETS, NEEDLESS TO SAY  I FOUND IT OR DID I. LIFE FELL HARD FAST, MY PRIORITIES WERE SLACKING AND I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE NOR MYSELF EXCEPT FOR THIS PERSON. HE WAS LIKE A HEART-ATTACK WAITING TO HAPPEN FOR ME CONSTANTLY NEEDING BYPASS SURGERY TO FIX WHAT COULD NEVER BE REPAIRED TO HAVE YOU RIP IT UP EVEN MORE. THE WORST MISTAKE I MADE WAS NOT LOVING MYSELF ENOUGH TO GET OUT. MORE VOICES IN MY HEAD THAN EVER BEFORE STAY, GO. CONFUSED

BUT HE LOVES ME........

LOVE HAS A WAY OF FILLING THAT EMPTY SPOT IN THE LIVES OF HUMAN BEINGS THAT DON'T FEEL COMPLETE, BUT IT WAS'T THE LOVE OF SOMEONE ELSE THAT I NEEDED BUT THE LOVE FOR MYSELF....... REALIZATION COMES QUICK WHEN YOUR ALREADY ON THE FLOOR. YOU RESPECT YOUR STRUGGLE MORE AND DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO TELL YOU  EVERYTHING IS OK. YOU KNOW THAT YOUR GOING TO BE GOOD BECAUSE YOU GOT YOU.

NOW

LOVING ME TO THE FULLEST LOVING MY FRIENDS AND RESPECTING MYSELF NOT TO PUT UP WITH BULL SHIT OR BULL SHIT PEOPLE. DONE WITH GOING BY THE DOUBLE STANDARD OF MEN AND WOMEN I'M JUST AS STRONG AND CAN DO MORE. OVER THE PETTY DRAMA DON'T WANT IT. CURRENTLY TRYING TO EASE THE MONSTER INSIDE OF ME THAT LURKS AROUND WAITING FOR A TIME TO SHOW HIS FACE. INHALING THE GREEN HELPS ME TO CALM HIM. PRAYER KEEPS MY MIND ON WHAT IMPORTANT. FRIENDS KEEP ME GROUNDED. MOMS KEEPS MY ON MY TOES GRANDPA IS MY COMMANDER HE RAISED ME LIKE THE SOLDIER HE WAS . GRANDMA IS THE VOICE IN MY HEAD OF THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC. ME... I AM A COMBINATION OF SPIT FIRE PERSONALITIES AND A MONSTER THAT WANTS TO SHOW HIS FACE.

WALKING DOWN MEMORY LANE MAKES ME WANT TO RUN DOWN THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD TO BETTER TIMES THAT I KNOW IS WAITING FOR ME!!